What question do you wish people would ask you? What would you answer if they did?
Can I give you lots of money? Yes!
Will you do some free work for us?
Only if you renovate my house, for free. Oh and the building supplies will be out of your pocket too. Deal? You might get a tiny logo out of that. Sounds fair to me. My house is two floors of hell. Start tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Bring a bulldozer.
What’s your first pet’s name?
Tiger.
Your mother’s maiden name?
Nonya.
What street did you grow up on?
This assumes I spent all of my childhood one one street (in one country) and I did not.
Are any of the last three answers your internet banking password hints?
No, but the mother's maiden name so-called security Q shows up everywhere doesn't it? I find that one particularly hilarious as my last name is her maiden name. This assumption that all women marry is silly, and that when they do they take their husband's name. My daughter has the same last name as me. So this "security Q" is quite flawed. Must be hilarious for Sikhs. Most mothers are Kaur, while fathers are Singh.
What’s the best bit of advice you’ve ever been given?
Dainty wood tables that get heat-stains from hot teacups can have the stain removed with plain white non-abrasive toothpaste. Keep your feet flat on the ground to center yourself when working.
Have you ever had a run in with the law?
Many times. I was almost arrested in a Haitian hood at 4 in the morning in the Bahamas, but after a disturbingly close frisking they decided to send me & my jeep on my way as long as I promised to keep out of trouble and the Haitian shanty-towns.
What’s your favourite joke?
What's a volcano? A mountain with hiccups.
What’s the worst thing you’ve eaten?
I won't eat things I don't like, unless I have to please a little old lady who misremembers my preferences. Thus it's my grandmothers "Janssons frestelse". It's potato gratin with anchovies in it, and she pours the anchovies liquid in there as well, turning it into salty blech. The horrors.
Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
Everything can be scientifically explained, but sure, I've seen, heard, felt and smelled some very odd things. Sometimes is was just the cat. Other times it was not.
What’s your favourite word in the English language?
Two words: "Burglar alarm" when said by a Glaswegian.
What are your thoughts on the continued tension between the Communist North and Capitalist South Korea, specifically in relation to the unresolved ceasefire from the conflict of 1950-1953, that ultimately leaves the war continuing to this day?
Nuke 'em from orbit. Only way to be sure.
What about this weather eh?
It's as wavering as a politician.
What’s your commute like?
It's thirteen steps from the upstairs to the downstairs, so I'd say it's fine. I don't even need to wear socks. In fact socks can be dangerously slippy when taking the wee corner, so I avoid them.
And finally, who should we interview next?
And dats dabitch. If you have a question that you feel hasn't been answered here, please write to:
COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT
JOHNNY&ANGUS
RAPIER
THE BATTLESHIP BUILDING
179 HARROW RD
LONDON
W2 6NB
We will endeavour to read all mail, and try not to laugh at some of it.
Or you could just go and ask Åsk herself. She's basically everywhere online. It's not our sodding job to ask questions of people on your behalf. What do you think this is? Go on, piss off.
