Eugene Mirman takes on Times Warner Cable with full page ad in the New York Press

The New York Press has run a full page ad written by Eugene Mirman, where his wrath is as hilarious as it is true.

On April 23rd I moved and had an appointment with Time Warner Cable to come and install cable, Internet and phone service and no one showed up. When I called, I was told my appointment was entered wrong and moved to May 4th, without anyone calling me. No big deal, why would a company check with someone to see if they are home on a Wednesday afternoon? Of course they are. Everyone is. Name one person who isn’t home on a Wednesday afternoon? You can’t. It’s impossible, because everyone is home. It would be a waste of recourses to call and talk to him. Did Stalin ever call people before he arrested them and sent them to die in Siberian work camps? No! Why should Time Warner Cable have a policy that is any different from Stalin’s?

Did you know that on Yelp, Time Warner Cable has one and a half stars? That’s less stars than Jeffery Dahmer — who killed and ate people, maybe even had sex with their skulls (I don't really know). Obviously what I’m saying is untrue, because Yelp does not review serial killers, but if they did, his babaganoush would be better than yours, if you both made babaganoush, even if his drugged and murdered people. Sorry that got weird. F**k you. I just made you read that confusing thing.

Eugene also suggests plagues that he hopes "God smites your board of directors with" and he adds "I know He’ll only do this if you enslave the Jews, but considering you might have a monopoly in NYC, you sort of already have." OUCH.

Awkward. Every board member’s cell phone ring loudly announces their weight and also the day they’ll die.

Bathroom. The constant feeling that you have to go number two, but completely forgetting how.

Improv. Your first-born will want to be a short form improviser.

Popcorn. Your second born will smell like hot buttered popcorn. It’s not that bad at first, but eventually I bet it will be maddening.

Time Warner Cable responds in kind:

I’m not on the board, but that fourth one would really kill me. I hate the smell of buttered popcorn, to me it smells like feet in a locker room. And I’m already suffering from a version of Eugene’s plague. The otherwise pleasant, professional and kind woman who sits across from my office microwaves a bag of popcorn for her afternoon snack, accidentally cramming my nostrils with a waft of burning cancer. If my window opened, I might be able to air my office out — but I might also just jump.

Then there's some bits on how they're going to fix the issue that no telecom in the world seems to have managed to sort out. This might be great damage control, as it's both funny and seems refreshingly honest.

But seriously. How hard is it, really, to set a date and time, and then actually show up on that date and time? Isn't there an app for that yet? Seems to me a decent appointment system should clear that problem right up. Some things should not be left for the PR-department to clean up. Great customer service is your best advertising.

And admit it, wouldn't we all be happier if the reply had included a line about locating the individual responsible for the rescheduling-without-notice, and offering Eugene this person to "go all Jeffery Dahmer on his ass", if only to see Eugene 's response?